After nine long years, we’ve finally learned the identity of Ted’s future wife…doesn’t really matter in the slightest. So if you feel you wasted as much time as we have, Post Show Recaps has the solution for you! We’ve teamed up on an advent calendar of sorts to help ease the pain of every dumb, nonsensical thing that happened in the series finale of “How I Met Your Mother” – so here’s what you can do every day this month to forget it ever happened!
Forget the unfunny Ted and Lily “E.T.” goodbye, a random first-time joke thrown in to an episode full of callbacks.
REMEDY: Sit in a pile of stuffed animals and watch “Firestarter” while eating Reese’s Pieces.
Forget the show made zero attempts to make the characters look older despite aging 11 years other than Lily’s pearls and Ted’s gray temples.
REMEDY: Rewatch “The Front Porch” from season 4 and behold the majesty of Future Marshall’s comb over:
Forget about Marshall’s lame “a lot of stuff happened here” line to the booth of young’uns behind him at Maclaren’s.
REMEDY: Plant a flag (and your ass) in a booth at your local pub to claim it forever and see how long it takes before you get punched.
Forget about Marshall announcing he’s running for Supreme Court even though it will never matter (just like Lily’s art career, apparently).
REMEDY: Drown all your sorrows with everybody’s favorite 90’s earworm, and remind yourself “HIMYM” could screw up even when they gave Jason Segel fleshed out storylines too.
Forget about the writers throwing Lily under the bus to convince us Ted falling in love with a girl is different from the 70 other times it’s happened just because she says it is.
REMEDY: Watch at least five different “Best of Willow on Buffy the Vampire Slayer” YouTube compilations:
Forget that even with the train arriving late, the band got out of the wedding early enough for Tracy and Ted to be at the platform at the same time.
REMEDY: Try to be more annoyed and appalled by a Train Situation than the Swedish guy trying to eat lunch in the background of this video:
Forget that Ted and the mother have the same “TM” initials. It’s adorable, it’s destiny, it’s…”T”reacly “M”uck. Zzzzzzz…
REMEDY: Come up with any number of fun, vulgar things that “BF” could stand for the next time SNL does “Mornin’ Miami.”
Forget that Barney apparently made some grand connection as to why the wedding band bassist would be perfect for Ted.
REMEDY: Pretend that in that moment, NPH was actually playing Doogie Howser and he was pondering his next blog about how sometimes the unlikeliest of pairings can form the most special of bonds. Or whatever.
Forget that tough guys like Ted and Barney definitely high-fived so hard they had to ice their hands.
REMEDY: Find a stress ball and pretend it’s Ted Mosby’s head. Rip it to shreds until there’s no physical evidence the ball ever existed. Keep an ice pack nearby if you get too aggressive (what are we saying, “if”…).
Forget the finale ignores that Bob Saget had been narrating this show for nine seasons.
REMEDY: Sit the kids down and tell them about all your favorite moments from “Wake Up San Francisco”:
Forget that the Robin and Barney in Argentina “This is not your baby!” thing had no payoff and served only to tease the shippers with the idea that they eventually had a child together.
REMEDY: Take a crack at parenthood just in time for Easter by painting the face on your delicate shell of a newborn. (I’m gonna name mine “blah blah.”)
Forget the bad attempts at replicating haircuts from seasons past.
REMEDY: Channel your inner child with some stress-relieving play therapy!
Forget that using canned footage of the kids shot years ago results in Ted sitting across from the kids like they’re at a therapist’s office.
REMEDY: Sit across from the kids like they’re at a therapist’s office and piece together Penny’s real backstory:
Forget that the episode tried to sort through 10 years of story in 44 minutes, rushing through scenes to do so.
REMEDY: Watch any “HIMYM” episode that only takes place over one day or night. Really, any of them – virtually any of them – are better than the finale. Why not “get psyched” on season 1’s New Year’s Eve episode, “The Limo”?
Forget that a show that always used music well ended with “Downtown Train” (famously popularized by Rod Stewart)– might we suggest Soul Asylum’s “Runaway Train” as a more thematically appropriate score?
REMEDY: Groove out to the music video for Robin Sparkles’ 1993 smash-hit “Let’s Go to the Mall” – empirical evidence of not only “HIMYM’s” typically-good music game, but that there was once a time when this show was great.
Forget that the show clung to the cliché that seeing the bride before the wedding is bad (and sometimes lethal) luck.
REMEDY: Grab a mirror, walk under a ladder and head outside. Ignore the black cat that crosses your path, and then drop the mirror on the ground and step on all the cracks in the sidewalk. Laugh at the universe in a taunting fashion, for it doesn’t own you. It doesn’t know your life.
Forget the pitiful retread of The Playbook. Nacho best work, Carter and Craig.
REMEDY: Get out of the house and try out practical tips from the original player.
Forget about Barney’s gross “come to life” pun.
REMEDY: Burn a DVD set of the repulsive and pun-heavy “2 Broke Girls” for catharsis (please don’t actually watch this one).
Forget that Ted tries to run away at Barney and Robin’s reception – still not over Robin, dude?
REMEDY: Inflate yourself with helium and float away from a planet where the “HIMYM” finale exists.
Forget all about the random old woman on the train platform who forces Ted to confront his destiny – what was up with that?
REMEDY: Imagine that lady and Tracy were just fucking with Ted as part of Betty White’s Off Their Rockers.
Forget that Tracy apparently has no family or friends since her only bridesmaids are Lily and Robin – not even Cindy is there.
REMEDY: Ask the millennial in your life which episode of “The O.C.” is the best showcase for Rachel Bilson.
Forget that Ted can’t even begin to fathom calling a girl he hasn’t shut up about for 9 years.
REMEDY: Write a fan letter to someone you’re incapable of calling. Or perhaps, ruin your childhood memories with this NSFW Saget ditty.
Forget the retrospective closing credits, including ending on a shot of the mother after revealing the show was never really about her.
REMEDY: Draft all the apology text that should have been superimposed on the credits instead.
Forget Robin and Barney got divorced immediately after the show spent all season building to their wedding.
REMEDY: Let out a therapeutic, guttural “STELLAAAAAA!!!” and just remember what little regard this show has for time.
Forget that the finale basically dismissed Robin’s accomplishments of achieving her dream career as a world-renowned news anchor.
REMEDY: Find someone to canoodle with, STAT!
Similarly, forget that everyone has babies in this finale and the subtext implies life only becomes worthwhile when you can raise kids (sorry, got nothing for ya, bus lady.)
REMEDY: Break out the construction paper and make Robin a “Congrats, you’re finally kind of a mom now!” card. Inside write: “You’re not gonna keep working, right?”
Forget that Future Robin gets a bunch of dogs again because she’s a lonely spinster.
REMEDY: Doge to your heart’s delight!
Forget that we never find out who the mother of Barney’s child is, nor do we ever actually see Barney raising the child.
REMEDY: Sign up to host a Thirty-One party! OMG #TotesReadyForSpring!!
Also, forget the show giving Barney a baby just to make us forget he was still a terrible person – and failing.
Forget the show not only killing off the mother, but their One shot of her in a hospital bed? Great job guys.
REMEDY: Get your cry on at the maudlin feature-length inspiration for “HIMYM”: 1998’s Stepmom.
Congrats! You’ve just completed your 30 Days to HIMYM Finale Freedom™ and scored a Perfect Month! Be sure to use the hashtag #HIMYMPerfectApril to let us (@BrendanDNoel and @RHAPRecapper) and everybody else know! Now, whaddya say we go sidle up in a booth and toast your success at everybody’s favorite place?
Cheers to gettin’ hosed, guys!